Games We Play

I was in the 4^th semester of my post graduate degree in Business Administration. One of the compulsory courses in that semester was Organizational Behavior.  In those days I was mostly uninterested in HR related subjects. I guess only because I too naïve to understand the importance and impact of people related issues in business management. I skimmed over most HR credit courses with the same disgruntled approach of a 2^nd grader who had to finish homework before playtime.  So when the Prof. wrote on the blackboard in bold letters, ‘recommended reading for the weekend:  Games People Play by Eric Berne’, I sighed and yawned. 

I had far more important things on my mind for the weekend than read a book that was based on social interactions. Besides, I was convinced that my weekend agenda, as a single, in a city that was the Pub capital of India, would offer more live and interesting learning experiences on social interactions than what a psychiatrist (Eric Berne) could.  

Eventually I did get to that book, but for academic reasons only. I didn’t absorb much of it as I lacked real life (and work) experience to relate to it.

But I was reminded of this book a few weeks ago when I returned home after yet another party (hosted by friends who were celebrating the season of the sun – summer)!  All these parties were beautifully organized – hosted in grand houses with landscaped gardens, live music, champagne, a multi cuisine buffet served by liveried waiters who fussed over glasses, plates and cutlery all night long. I did what most people do: met new people, chatted with ones I already knew, exchanged pleasantries, conversations and even visiting cards with a few and observed my friends do the same. 

Yet when the party was over, and I made my way home, I realized how superficial these conversations are. And no! It is not because people have no character or depth in personality, but because people are too uptight – they meet with shields that inhibit their naturalness and hide their ‘true’ selves.  They are keen to display a sugar coated version of their lives and achievement. After the initial hello, where-from, how-here, and other typical  ice breaker questions, people find topics of conversation to show-off their wealth, their status and just how cool their life is, just how ‘one cut above everyone else’ they are.  Though parties are meant to bring people together and instill a sense of belonging, I rarely see people ‘connecting’ in these situations.

If you have the knack to read between lines, you will see that most social situations are playgrounds featuring just one sport: Mind Games.  Every player aims for one-upmanship and waits for his/her chance to score. There is a hardly any human connection – just mere exchange of words to thrust oneself in a higher ground. 

It is interesting to note how these ‘games’ transcend different cultures, languages, countries and age groups. These conscious and unconscious games that people play are an important part of our lives – personal and professional. They are so deep rooted in every society that it surprises me when people can’t see that it is being 'played' after all.

One acquaintance of mine always gets into a bad mood the morning after a party but the problem is she is a part of the game too.  If you play  a game then it is only fair that you sometimes loose?

I would say that of all the different games have been patterned and cataloged, those that are played for psychological one-upmanship are by far the most self defeating and time-wasting.  This is what ‘disconnects’ people. 

It is not just one off social interactions like parties, but even at the workplace we often see games being played. Don’t you know the ‘discounting’ game a boss plays on a subordinate?  'Now I have got you?' game that awaits another person's fall/slip.

You may have seen, heard or been a part of such cases but never thought of it in the light of a psychological game, right? 

Maybe a formal education on such ‘game playing’ can help us. Save us even.  Awareness always precedes change. 

I have done a fair bit of game playing too, intentionally and unintentionally - not thinking of consequences and lost valuable relationships in the process. But when you begin to recognize futile social interactions as a game, it helps you get out of it sooner than later. Or in some cases even change for the better.  When I review long lasting relationships and friendships I have built (despite geographic distances) they are undoubtedly - non-competitive, positive and unbound by the three lettered monster called ‘ego’. They mostly follow the ‘I’m o.k – you are o.k’ principle, and thereby offer the chance to build a more honest and sustainable relationship.

And maybe you are one of them  :-)